I was going to wait until after my first hit of 2009 to type this vitriolic piece, but offensive anemia got in the way. With Howard, Jeremy and Paul Hamilton getting all over me this morning for being hitless, I might as well go for it.

I think I hate slow-pitch softball. If it wasn't for the fact that I like the guys on the team and wouldn't see any of them except a handful if I didn't play, I might be done.

-- I hate a lot of things about softball, the least of which is the actual game. I hate the guy last week who showed up in Under Armour tights a la Kobe Bryant and ONE Under Armour sleeve, as if he's Dontrelle Willis (the good years).

-- The actual ball is stupid. Let's just play on a real-sized field with a hardball and use a pitching machine. You shouldn't consider yourself Cy Young if you can reverse-spin a ball and land it on home plate for a strike.

-- I hate that if if you can loop a ball over the infield and before the Major League-depth outfield, you can Slow Pitch Money Ball your way to a boring championship.

For the record, my 0-for-13 start to this season is putrid, but it's not like I haven't hit before. Thanks to Paul Hamilton's absurd stat-keeping that allows you to know how many errors you've had since 2002, I can tell you I went 10-for-25 (.400) in 2007 and 10-for-30 (.300) last year. I guess that lowers my career average to .294, and let's face it, hitting in slow-pitch is so easy that if .200 is the Mendoza line in the bigs, then .300 should be the Mendola line in slow-pitch.

Plus, I've got a house now. Perhaps it's time I just come to terms with two sports and play ice hockey in the winter and soccer in the summer/fall. I'm a terrible slow-pitch softball hitter -- I can field -- and it may be time to come to terms with that.