I'm here to invite you... to welcome you. There will be no judging, no laughing at you for not understanding our rules, our punks or our heroes. All we want is to bring a greater understanding and interest in what we love, and in this case it's embodied by the most popular professional sports league in the world.

I want to preface the rest of this by saying I have no interest in you talking garbage about soccer. In general, it just doesn't rile me up all that much. I don't say nasty things -- out loud -- about your favorite fringe sport, so simply close this Internet window if you have no interest in "the beautiful game."

However, if you've been intrigued by the recent run of American interest in soccer -- due mostly to ESPN's purchase of English and Spanish broadcast rights -- and have some questions, I'm going to use this opening day of the season to fit you up with an English team for a test drive.

There are 20 teams opening play this weekend. The top four will reach the Champions League automatically, while the lowest three will depart for the "minors" -- the Coca Cola Championship League. The fifth place team qualifies for the second-tier of European club competition, the UEFA Europa League, while two other teams can qualify, depending on some complicated scenarios I have no desire to bore you with (at this point).

I make no bones about the fact that I haven't been following the league for its entire existence, and am only making my best comparisons from a passionate spell of following the league. So, without further ado, here's a cheat sheet to help you pick a squadron to follow in the Barclay's Premier League 2009/10 campaign:

In alphabetical order:

1. Arsenal
Last championship: 2003-04
Years in Premier League: 18/18
Nickname: Gunners
Location: London
Comparison: Los Angeles Lakers

Tons of celebrity fans, some of the finest players in the world, a reputation as a world-class club recently ended by an actual championship... and maybe even constantly overrated. I don't hate Arsenal, but a lot of folks do, and with a hated/loved coach in Arsene Wenger and one of the world's best players in Cesc Fabregas... ladies and gentlemen... the Los Angeles Lakers.

2. Aston Villa
Last championship: 1980-81
Years in Premier League: 18/18
Nickname: Villians
Location: Birmingham
Comparisons: Bears, Eagles, Canadiens without the titles

Awesome nickname, great jerseys, cool crest (which is a lion atop the word, 'Prepared'). They're known as a bunch that loves to hate their team. No matter how good the Villains look, their fans are waiting for their eminent fall. So, while it would be easy to again think the Bills, these are British people, and they tend to get a little surly. Aston Villa does also have three Americans on the squad, though two are goalkeepers. Let's compare Aston Villa to the Chicago Bears or Philadelphia Eagles.

3. Birmingham City
Last championship: Never
Years in Premier League: 6/18 (Return: 2009/10)
Nickname: Blues
Location: Birmingham
Comparison: Buffalo Sabres, Detroit Lions

Welcome back... see ya later. The Blues are back up in the Premiership, but fate says they won't stay up, if only for sharing a nickname with one of league's legendary clubs (Chelsea). Birmingham City are one of the old clubs whose former name is so much cooler than their new moniker: Small Heath Alliance. According to Wikipedia, "The fans are referred to as Bluenoses, a nickname attributed by the Football Fans Census survey to an 'accusation they are left out in the cold when it comes to success,'." Let's just go ahead and unfairly label them the Sabres of English football, as they are a "yo-yo" club, good for a while, but never great enough to be force.

4. Blackburn
Last championship: 1994-95
Years in Premier League: 16/18 (Return: 2001/02)
Nickname: Rovers
Location: Blackburn
Comparison: Pittsburgh Pirates

Blackburn wear jerseys that are half-blue and half-white, and I just don't have too much to say about them. They've been around forever as an integral part of the history of English football, but have only had moments in the Sun in recent history. Their team this year does not look promising, and I wouldn't choose them if only because I think they're headed for the second tier. Blackburn have let too many good players leave in the past few years to be considered for real.

5. Bolton
Last championship: N/A
Years in Premier League: 11/18 (Return: 2001/02)
Nickname: Wanderers
Location: Horwich (Manchester)
Comparison: Buffalo Bills

Bolton have spent the most years in England's top division without winning it. That's 70 years -- making Cubs fans' grief even more remarkable. I was going to question Bolton letting their longtime captain skip town for Newcastle last year, but Kevin Nolan contributed little to the Mags as they were sent down. Bolton never seems like they have a solid enough roster to compete, but generally are a pretty annoying team to oppose. I'm tempted to predict their relegation this year, but they usually defy expectations.

6. Burnley
Last championship: 1959-60
Years in Premier League: 1/18 (Return: 2009/10)
Nickname: Clarets
Location: Burnley
Comparison: St. Louis Blues, 1990s Ottawa Senators

I know very little about Burnley, who returns to the Premier League this weekend. Their jerseys look like West Ham and Aston Villa, and they have been around for more than a spell in terms of mattering to soccer. So, I'm going to randomly say that rooting for the Clarets is like rooting for the St. Louis Blues, or the 1990s Ottawa Senators

7. Chelsea
Last championship: 2005-06
Years in Premier League: 18/18
Nickname: Blues
Location: London
Comparison: New York Mets

Chelsea is the New Jersey Devils if they Devils signed all their players for the highest amount of dollar. I'm not a huge fan, as I'm usually not thrilled with Chelsea's style of play, though everyone else seems to be enamored with it, because they have remarkably skilled players. Even when the Blues have glory, they find another venue to disappoint. Chelsea is the New York Mets.

8. Everton
Last championship: 1986-87
Years in Premier League: 18/18
Nickname: Toffees, The School of Science
Location: Liverpool
Comparison: Boston Bruins

Everton has the best goalkeeper in the Premiership, but he's underappreciated because he's American. Tim Howard's the man, and he plays for a team that is reputable for playing a beautiful brand of soccer, i.e. their nickname of "The School of Science." Their other nickname has to do with the fact that in the 1800s they played next to an old woman's candy shop, and tossed toffee into the crowd. They have a goofy, cartoonish looking star. They are the Boston Bruins.

9. Fulham
Last championship: 2001-02
Years in Premier League: 9/18
Nickname: Cottagers
Location: London
Comparison: Los Angeles Dodgers

Fulham is an easy choice to back, if only because they have American star Clint Dempsey roaming the pitch. The Texan has a flair for the dramatic, and is backed up by another Yank striker, Eddie Johnson. Rooting for Fulham gives you a chance to hate Chelsea, which is always a plus. Chelsea's home stadium, Stamford Bridge, is actually in Fulham. Imagine the Phillies playing their home games outside Citi Field. They have a highly-respected coach and are consider overachieving in the most fashionable part of London, according to my Buffalo Flash broadcast partner, Oliver Petersen.

10. Hull City
Last championship: N/A
Years in Premier League: 2/18
Nickname: Tigers
Location: Kingston-upon-Hull
Comparison: Toronto Raptors, Miami Heat

If would be a tough choice to select the Tigers, who I think will be sent down after this season, but they did acquire 19-year-old American striker Jozy Altidore from Villarreal on season-long loan, and they also have decent jerseys. Their first spell in the big division was recently, and Hull's mascot is "Roary the Tiger." How appropo.

11. Liverpool
Last championship: 1989-90
Years in Premier League: 18/18
Nickname: Reds
Location: Liverpool
Comparison: New York Yankees

Liverpool have had incredible success, and won title after title after titles right up until 1990. They still represent at a top-flight level, have big name stars and play a good brand of football. To me, it's hard not to think of Liverpool as the Yankees, especially when you toss in the relative title-drought that wouldn't seem like a long time to smaller squads. Plus, like New York, Liverpool was the springboard for some hot rock and roll back in the day.

12. Manchester City
Last championship: 1967-68
Years in Premier League: 13/18 (Return: 2002/03)
Nickname: Citizens
Location: Manchester
Comparison: Dallas Mavericks

Treated as third- or fourth-class citizens by their rivals, they have won before, and spent most of their recent seasons in the discussion, but are not considered a threat because they have a billionaire owner who will overpay for elite players. Call it a mix between the Dallas Mavericks and the Washington Redskins, but since the Skins have been successful, we're going with the Mavs.

13. Manchester United
Last championship: 2008-09
Years in Premier League: 18/18
Nickname: Red Devils
Location: Manchester
Comparison: Boston Red Sox

When I got into soccer, everyone told me Man Utd. were the New York Yankees, but this isn't the case. These guys do spend a ton to win, and are a faithful bunch of fans, but the actual fans in Manchester seem much more ornery than most. Let Chelsea or Liverpool be the Yankees of the EPL, the Red Devils are the Red Sox, right down to letting seeming stars walk out the door and finding suitable replacements. They do have a Yankee aspect to them, in that they have some great traditional fans, but also a bunch of idiotic ones that make you want to light Old Trafford on fire. The book "Among the Thugs" has some of the most disgusting sports fan violent stories ever, and most deal with Man Utd.

The team, however, have Wayne Rooney and Nemanja Vidic who are, as commentators would say, "a joy to watch." Plus I'm pretty sure Rooney is drunk during most of his matches.

14. Portsmouth
Last championship: 1949-50
Years in Premier League: 7/18 (Return 2002-03)
Nickname: Pompey
Location: Portsmouth
Comparison: Rooting for a Baltimore squad... if you can ignore that the Ravens were stolen from Cleveland.

Pompey is a bunch of low-down dirty Southern Englanders who love their ball club and deserve better. Their rivalries are with teams they don't get to play very often, and they won the 2008 FA Cup -- an inseason tournament of all English clubs -- while failing to be a true threat to the Top Four since returning to the Premiership. They've also had a lot of problems with hooliganism, which is no fun. I think the Bills might be a good equivalent, if they were a port city still. Portsmouth is an island city with naval importance... so I kind of want to go with a Colts team that never left Baltimore.

15. Stoke City
Last championship: N/A
Years in Premier League: 2/18 (Return 2008-09)
Nickname: Potters
Location: Stoke-on-Trent
Comparison: Cleveland Browns (without the stupid Dawg thing)

I had the fortune of seeing a game at Stoke when my wife and I visited London. I made the 3 1/2 hour trek via train to see my Magpies take on the Potters, and I have a lot of respect for the Stoke fans and grounds. They've recently come up to prominence, and are "happy to be there." Stoke is the oldest club in the Premier League, but didn't mean much to the league since being relegated in the early 50s. Because of their recent success, they have the feel of an expansion team with actual fans you don't hate. So, in a sense, they are the Browns without the Dawg Pound.

16. Sunderland
Last championship: 1935-36
Years in Premier League: 9/18
Nickname: Mackems, Black Cats
Location: Sunderland, Tyne-upon-Wear
Comparison: Toronto Maple Leafs

I hate Sunderland. Hate. They are my miserable team's (Newcastle) biggest rival, they live in a cesspool of a town, and even their players have worn shirts that make fun of their team. They have a great tradition -- I guess -- but haven't won anything that means anything in longer than their rivals. Their nickname isn't an actual word (Mackem is short for Make Them, abbreviated). If you like Sunderland, congratulations, you like the Toronto Maple Leafs.

17. Tottenham
Last championship: 1960-61
Years in Premier League: 18/18
Nickname: Hotspur, Spurs
Location: London
Comparison: Exciting squad, hate-able rival? The Chicago Blackhawks

Spurs are a good team to pick. They have an awesome name, a cool-albeit-goofy logo and they play in London, so visiting them is an A-plus idea. Tottenham hates Arsenal, so it's a good bet for vitriol as well. Spurs also have a ton of extremely likeable and/or exciting players: Jermaine Defoe, Sebastian Bassong, Giovani dos Santos, Aaron Lennon and Roman Pavyluchenko. Spurs also have a "Buffalo in a huge market" feel.

18. West Ham United
Last championship: N/A
Years in Premier League: 16/18 (Return 2005-06)
Nickname: Hammers
Location: London
Comparison: The Oakland Raiders, without the Super Bowls.

The Hammers are based in a large market and have a cool nickname to go with supporters with a reputation for getting so violent that a hooligan movie was made about them ("Green Street Hooligans," starring Elijah Wood and Charlie Hunnam ("Sons of Anarchy")). They have a solid kit, even if it'll be overshadowed as long as Aston Villa and Burnley are near the top division. West Ham also has an American defender, Jonathan Spector.

19. Wigan Athletic
Last championship: N/A
Years in Premier League: 5/18 (Return 2005-06)
Nickname: Latics
Location: Manchester
Comparison: Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Tampa Bay Lightning

Wigan are a sort of feel-good team with a stupid nickname and a goofy logo. "Latics" is short for "athletics" (yep) and their crest features a tree. "Ye Olde Tree and Crown" reminds me of an expansion team with a goofy name, but cheerable team.

20. Wolverhampton
Last championship: 1958-59
Years in Premier League: 2/18 (Return 2008-09)
Nickname: Wolves, Wanderers
Location: West Midlands
Comparison: Philadelphia 76ers

My crib notes list my impressions of Wolverhampton as "highly influential and important to the game, with a long absence from relevance and recent bouts with glory and depression." As tempting as it is to call the Wolves the Buffalo Sabres of the EPL, a better bet would be the Sixers.

Or....

21. Newcastle United

The Magpies are my team and were relegated after finishing in the bottom three of the Premier League in 2008/09. They are a proud franchise run by a terrible owner who is threatening to make them a moot point in the future of English soccer. Call them the Chicago Cubs, the Buffalo Bills or the Buffalo Sabres. Like the above, they haven't won a worthwhile title in forever. We're talking the fifties, and my goodness have they had hard luck and heartbreak along the way. This club has taken an absolute beating,and it'll be interesting to see if they can rejoin the Premier League with a Top Two finish in the Coca-Cola Championship this year. Come aboard.

IF I WERE PICKING A TEAM TO START WITH RIGHT NOW...
1. Tottenham
2. Arsenal
3. Fulham
4. Stoke City
5. Portsmouth
6. Manchester City
7. Aston Villa
8. West Ham
9. Bolton
10. Manchester United
11. Liverpool
12. Birmingham City
13. Everton
14. Chelsea
15. Hull City
16. Wolverhampton
17. Wigan
18. Blackburn
19. Burnley
20. Sunderland

PREDICTIONS FOR 2009/10 TABLE/STANDINGS:
1. Liverpool
2. Manchester United
3. Chelsea
4. Manchester City
5. Arsenal
6. Tottenham
7. Everton
8. Aston Villa
9. Fulham
10. Wigan
11. West Ham
12. Sunderland
13. Stoke City
14. Portsmouth
15. Bolton
16. Wolverhampton
17. Hull City
----RELEGATED----
18. Blackburn
19. Birmingham City
20. Burnley
----COMING UP FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP TO THE PREMIER LEAGUE----
1. Sheffield United
2. Newcastle United
3. West Bromwich Albion

Email: nick@wgr550.com